You know how you have those days that are up and those that are down... well I'm in a valley right now, with no sunlight, and its raining... Nothing seems to be going right internally for me over the past week. I know that I'm going to look back on this post and think that I was just being a baby, and maybe I am, but waaaaah.
I can't keep track on my finanaces. This is the first time in a long time that I am so far behind that it is going to take me a month to get caught up again. And I know that I have very little financial strain, but I have to avoid writing my rent check until next week just because there isn't enough money in my account to cover it. I'm sick of overdraft fees and non sufficient fund fees, and not remembering all the stupid little purchases that I've made that are going to creep up and put me on the red side of the line again. Not only is rent an issue, but I have a credit card debt that has been nagging me for a year. I've made one payment on it and that was over a year ago. Its almost $3000 in the negative and I've recently been contacted by third party collecting agencies. I don't have the money to pay for this, or even to start payments on this, and I won't until the end of March at the earliest.
How do you suck up the courage to say, "yeah I screwed up and need help"? I don't know how to do that. Or even who to ask. Who do I have??? I'm on my own on this one. We had a pretty in depth feedback session at work today and I found out what I already knew, but having it vocalized really brings it to the front of your brain. I don't know when to shut my mouth. My confidence on certain things borders on arrogance, and without always realizing it I come off as demeaning to people. Yet when I don't talk, I get the feedback that I'm distance and reserved. How do I balance it out?
My frustration is boiling over to places that it has no reason being. I'm so frustrated with my boss. Both of them. One avoids confrontation at all costs to the point that he writes emails and text to people instead of talking to them when they are less than 20 feet away from him. The other one is an asshole. I've learned a lot working under him just in how I don't want to act and treat people. He has a doctorate in "tough love" I guess. Usually it doesn't really bother me, but lately I can't really stand to be around him, or hear his over-confident, wrong opinion on things.
I don't know if I am just antsy because I've been sitting in a cubicle "working" (there isn't enough work) for the past 5 weeks with no break beyond weekend trips to NYC. I'm glad that we are flying out to New Orleans on Friday, but really I have no interest in my work or in the work my organization says it does. Its a lot of BS that covers up the true profit seeking side of my "non profit". Service for the result of a good feeling of those who take 4 hours out of their day to serve as opposed to service for the result of actually helping people. But you can spin it in so many ways.
I'm tired of questioning my heart too. Do I love too easily, do I really love at all or do I just let things get comfortable? I never really open up to anyone fully for quite some time. I'm also thinking ahead. What am I going to do in 6 months? And how does a relationship fit into that? I'm bordering on the brink of emotional shutout. I can feel it and I need to stop it. I really need to find my happiness mojo again.
I guess in a way I'm just bored. I want to travel, on my own terms, and enjoy what I'm doing day to day. I just need to stop thinking about things so much, and go back to enjoying the little things.
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2 comments:
You're doing the right thing on the finances. Which in this case is kinda all you can do. Doesn't make it any less stressful of course, but again, it's really all you can do.
As far as your frustrations with work, man, fuck joining the club, let's you and me start the club. In other words, I hear you, and I really empathize. I wish I could offer a suggestion - any suggestion - for what to do instead, but I'm having trouble with the same thing. And I'm glad to hear I don't have the market cornered on needing to balance out.
Strangely enough, I've come to a similar conclusion. I'm bored. We (you and I) need mental stimulation dude, and we can only provide it to ourselves so much and for so long. We need new things to process, and traveling gives us exactly that (along with all sorts of other things we need too). I've been in a bit of a shutout for a couple weeks now, and it's not been fun. I'm starting to come out of it a bit, but only because I'm making a concerted effort to force myself out.
It'll be good to see you man, even if one or both of us won't be hustling up anything. We'll have to spend some quality time on the porch with the hookah
So after a post like that and a week like you're having now, I want to leave words of encouragement, of hope, of inspiration. That's what I want to do. But if you're anything like me, it won't really matter. That funky place is just somewhere you go for a while. Then when things get too shitty for you to stand it anymore, you gather yourself, put on a motivated face, and fucking pull yourself out of it! Walk a couple miles, even if it's just around the city, get shit-faced drunk, buy a hobo a 40 oz and sit around a burn barrell all night. Do something that inspires, something out of the ordinary, if just for an hour or so. Then summon the courage, the conviction to get back in the game. Life sucks sometimes. It doesn't mean you have to go blow your brains out! But the sucky times are there so you know what the good times are.
As for the feedback from your coworkers. That's just what people say when they don't know what else to give you feedback on. Trust me, I've seen it so many times. People ask you to step up as a leader, then resent you for it. There's nothing wrong with confidence, there's nothing wrong with overconfidence either, as long as it doesn't tread on other's ability to feel good about themselves. I doubt that anything you do is demeaning. People just don't often like to feel subservient to coworkers. Offer a truce and give positive reinforcment 5X's as much as you give criticism. Come and visit. Bring Dave. We'll go climb some buildings!
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