When it rains, things wash clean...

Wow it has been awhile since I attempted to take some time for this. I haven't written in what feels like an eternity. I feel fine. I feel confused with myself. Recently I've been hearing so many bad things that are happening to people that I care about or have cared about in the past. Someone went missing (like back of a milk carton missing), someone died, someone is thinking about suicide, someone still hasn't found a job, someone is miserably finding themself, someone has lost their true companion, someone is still fighting...

With all these someones, I feel guilty not being completely down, or even mostly down. I'm really worried about some folks, but I'm also in a good place. My job has started to let me travel and take ownership again. I've got some interesting and somewhat challenging decisions ahead of me and I am looking forward to them. I am also getting stressed out - really stressed out for the first time in awhile. I mean stressed because of being busy, not because i'm bored out of my mind.

I've verbally committed to playing soccer this summer, I've found a Ultimate Frisbee League i'm thinking of joining near my home, my girlfriend just gave me a bicycle and i've started riding to and from work, and I'm still running. In fact, I'm really thinking about that marathon this year. I've already done one half marathon (not very well) this year without training and think that if I just buckle down a bit, I should be able to run all 26.2 miles. I really love being active and wish that I could convince myself to get out more. It the hermit in me that keeps me by myself at times; that and my pride of not wanting to look like a complete fool. But then I think, "so what?" If there is anything my friend Jason taught me it is that it is okay to just laugh at myself and realize that it doesn't really matter. I need the humility to remember that I'm happiest when I'm happy and not thinking about what other people think of me.

So what if I can't speak German? so what if I suck at soccer? so what if i'm finally realizing that I don't really like to be alone and want to be a part of something more than just me?

My friend Dave is in Toyko right now. I'm upset and jealous and happy all at the same time. This is the guy who got to go to Russia in 2006 on our backpacking trip and I was (by choice - though not a very big choice) relegated to remaining in Europe. NOW he is hitting yet another country, but this time with friends that I have as well and would love to see! His blogs, photos, and videos are wonderfully inspiring me to want to be jobless and just go do what I really love = travel and experience new things. Which is better? Having a job, saving some money (hopefully), and planning for a future; or getting out there and experiencing things that are beyond my concept of understanding. Seeing the world in person for what it is.

I find that I read a lot of non-fiction which centers around travel experiences: Mountains to Mountains; Red Dust; The Art of Life; I Wonder As I Wander; The Most Handsome Man in Cuba... the titles keep going. I also am drawn to shows and movies which bring out the travel design in me: The Long Way Round; The Amazing Race... it is all just one big adventure in my head.

I think back to 2000, '02, '04, and '06 and realize that I do travel a lot. Heck, I even made it to Ireland in 2008, barely, but I made it. I may be going to London with work in early June and I'm excited about it, but its not traveling like I want to travel. I want to get lost in a culture and a language that i'm not completely familiar with. Where I can do stupid things and learn lessons from them. Where I can get lost and found several times in one day as my friend Dave recently told me.

The greatest thing about travel and the weather is that you can experience it anywhere. I just went on a camping trip in Arkansas with my friend Justin. In many ways I wish I was Justin. I wish I had his heart, his optimism, and his god-given natural athletic abilities. He makes me so jealous with what he can so easily do. Hell, I crawled through I hole I had no business crawling through just to prove I could. I got stuck and unstuck again, but I did it. The great thing about Justin is that he pushes me. He always pushes me, sometime literally, to try things and do things that just don't always make sense. I've learned that its great to be second best at times because it really gives you something to go for. It is all about inspiration.

Jeez, its already 11:50pm and I'm still up at this. I've got work for upcoming projects in Worcester, MA; Chicago, IL; Huntington, WV; and Oakland, ME. There are so many thoughts floating in my head, like my reaction to the show Californication, and my experience carving my own spoon out of a Cedar branch, and my recent thoughts on drinking and jigsaw puzzles...

All things in good time. I don't know who is able or capable of reading this, but I've decided to post it for all... I mean, heck, why not. I've recently unplugged from Facebook, and this is as good as a place as any to just let me be me.

So until next time, whenever that might be, I'll end this with something I just sent to Dave in Toyko that has stuck with me since I typed it to him... Make more movies, take more photos, and tell more stories.